I know for me, when I started the process to become a foster parent, I had this fantasy vision of how things were going to be with my “fantasy” foster ( & adopted) kids. I mean, I wasn’t a horrible mom, and my bios were pretty decent kids. So, how could raising someone else’s children be any different. Even when we talked about trauma and how parenting foster kids was in fact, different than raising bio children, I still believed that I was different, so parenting would be a breeze.
And, for the first year and half, I rocked this foster parenting thing, if I do say so myself. Then my littles hit what should have been the normal terrible two stage. Yet, it wasn’t normal at all, because of all of the trauma. Add in the fact that I have 4, yes you read that correctly, 4 in the terrible twos at the same time. In fact, even through 3 of them are 4 and one is 3, we still experience the terrible twos on trauma, as well as the terrible threes and so on!!!
Just recently, I went and visited my adult daughter and 5 and 2yr old grandkids. I was blown away at how “easy” they were. They would do typical things like fight and get into stuff, but nothing like mine who multiply everything by a thousand.
Yes, I believed that once adopted, and things became more stable, they would become easier. And right now, two of the 4 are adopted, and we are “in process” with the other two. I wouldn’t, in a million years, change the path I am on. However, for the first time since we set out on this adventure, I asked myself “what was I thinking?”
My youngest bio son is 15. He is self sufficient, and despite some normal teenage behavioral challenges, he is super easy. We could have been almost done and the nest almost empty. We could be taking trips and vacations where nobody gets dysregulated because we are off routine. We could have normal family holidays where nobody melts down because they are overwhelmed with all of the attention. We would still be invited to family gatherings because my family wouldn’t be too much and we don’t have allergies to accommodate.
But if we wouldn’t have done this, and in turn experienced a “new normal” we would have missed seeing three amazing (albeit strong-willed) girls surpass some of the challenges they have faced. We wouldn’t have watched one little girl, who came to us nonverbal, begin to find her voice and now holds full on conversations with the adults around her. We would have missed a certain little boy, face scary surgeries and grow into this brave, loving little boy who always says “mom, you the best” out of the blue. We would have missed a judge, after 4 1/2 yrs of fighting for permanency, say “ You are now a Family! for one little girl who has had to face more than most. And we would have missed a teeny tiny little girl, grow into a spunky 3yr old, who has the cutest phrases and melts my heart.
Yes, this life is not how I imagined it to be. It’s worse, it’s different, it’s better, it’s amazing.. all in one.
I think the only way to not resent the “fantasy” normal life is to let go of the life we thought we would have and embrace the life we do have. Meet them where they are at and sit with them and love them in their trauma.
That’s just my thoughts!
~Trisha
